Jeff Thelen |
remember you were you
This is kind of a different format then I usually write in. It was inspired by Luke Magalsky. I just kind of wrote without seeing what I was typing, enjoy:I wanted to cry today. reading words of friends. changed. i changed. I see me change the way I don't want to be. but I am me. no doubt about what you know. No... i didn't read your writing and want to cry. i love you .. love truly... i don't know... i remember things. past. playing in the yard. i was a super hero. i did good. learning about life at 10 million miles per hour. do you understand ? i can't even fully comprehend. life was life because i ran around. the grass. the trees. my playground.. i climbed. and fell. and ran. and tripped. I biked. and skidded... but that was ok... because I still lived. but now living isn't enough. i just want to be able to run. to bike. to climb. but now I'm lazy. i'm fat. I'm depressed. what happened between then and now. yesterday and today. i died to myself somehow. questions were easily answered by smiling parents. not like today. today i am frightened ... of things unknown. I hate . i HATE things I can't even .... i don't .... i look.... it really was better. best years. they died. they're spent. i am still happy. but at the same time I am so sad . so..... different. I've changed. for better maybe. but the tears won't come to my eyes as hard as i try. maybe if i cry my pain will wash away with the salty water..but what pain... why so much pain.. remember the good times and remember that was you... IT WAS YOU.... ME... I played. I biked. I swung stick at imaginary villians with my big brother cheering me on and my sister was upset because we didn't want her to play. she was a girl after all. I'm sorry now sis. I would let you play now. you can even be a good guy. who would you like to be... what powers do you want. ... I want the power of smiling... and laughing.. and loving... its okay, You are important to me" that's all i need to say and everyone feels better.. no.. they feel the best.. they maybe don't feel anything, but just know that everything is fine. that people are mean.. but not really. people actually love. they crave to love. they are me. i am them . you are them and me. we love all things. it hurts you when i don't love me because then I can't love them. but... there is something inside me telling me to hate me... i'm sorry that I do. i don't think it is true.. just a feeling that I have... i don't know.. Its dumb I realize. i can blame the devil. or i came blame any number of things. but all i really know is that i want my tree back. and I want to climb to the top. and I will get to the top and all my friends will be there. and you too little sis. i will save my biggest hug for you because i love you.
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Tuesday, March 22, 2005
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